What you do affects the health and wellness for you and others. Have you tried to help someone who is struggling whether it is a friend, family members or a co-worker? What did you do to help?
Be honest with yourself – Tried to fix their situation by telling them do this, do that
- OR when you tell them you say “ you should do this or you need to do that”
- OR arrange a family meeting, it feels like a bashing session
- OR express what is not being done with an edge/sharp tone of voice
- OR giving a lecturer on what frustrates you, having others feeling blamed
- OR pressuring someone with questions such what is wrong, well tell me what is
making you sad, why won’t you tell me
If any of the above are close to what you are doing, what is the response you are getting from those you are trying to help. Do they:
- They give you all the reasons why it won’t work, with lots of back and forth dialogue
- Being told they should do this, need to do that, they will say okay and it doesn’t happen
- Reason family member may not feel motivated to be in a family meeting, they feel they
are going to be bashed
- When something is to be done or has not been done, the tone of voice has others
reacting frustrated
- Explaining how the job needs to be done, should be done- the other person shuts
down because they are tired of being lectured
- Pumping out questions to find out what is going on with them, has them want to run
to their room and shut the door
What do you think needs to change, is it you or them? Both of you need to change. If you want something to change, you can make it happen. Here is the “How to”.
Before we start. Here are some guidelines to help you to have success: any ideas that are suggested are for you to decide whether you will try them or scrap them, your choice.
1. You are in control of what you SAY DO THINK FEEL and the other person is in control
of what they SAY DO THINK FEEL -
2. Knowing #1, using “I “ statements such as …I feel frustrated with the dishes not being
done when I get home.
3. What you “do” – your facial expression could show impatience while you are asking
others to do something so may react to what they see
4. What you think – understanding what someone else is saying, you will have what you
think it is meant however the other person will have what they think, they could be
opposing thinking.
5. For #4, here is an idea to consider…..Hear what they are saying, state back to them
what you heard such as “ Did I understand that you are upset of what I said about
how you do the dishes”
6. TO BE CLEAR is said and then the point is stated clearly such as “ To be Clear, we are
to get this shelf organized now so other things can be put here” – less misinterpretation
7. Ask permission to suggest ideas such as “ would you be open to hearing some ideas
to change what is not working for either of us?”
8. If they say no,.. you can say okay when you are wanting to discuss your situation, tell me what would help you the best and wait for them to come to you
9. If they say yes… you say your ideas for consideration and ask them what can ideas can they add to consider
10. Another idea to consider if you want something done, ask if they could do the dishes by 5:00 or ask what specific time can they get them done? ( being specific with date and time rather than saying you need the job done which is too vague)
11. BONUS: the more CALM, CONSISTENT you can be, the better chance you may get a better result
These are the basics to help you to affect the situation to get more positive results. The process involves you being able to share ideas however leaving it to the other person to be in control of deciding. Being told do this, do that, they feel dictated to. You get your ideas in the dialogue which has them thinking plus they are more motivated if included in the process. Think about this, how do you respond when someone doesn’t include you in the process and you are told what to do. Instead of procrastination happening, the person will be more motivated. I have personally witnessed more motivation when individuals feel they are part of the decision making. One final thing, if you don’t see a result right away, keep trying it because being consistent will have them trust that you will stick to it rather than them guessing what you want and will do. You can affect others to do what you would like to see. When you see situation better, do more of what you did that is working.
Now it is up to you whether you choose to try these ideas to see if they really work.
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